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Private It was only a kiss

Discussion in 'The Library' started by Kada, Dec 20, 2018.

  1. Kada
    Kada

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    Hella's stomach was doing flips as she paced the back of the library's main lobby. Her eyes were already solid black as her anxiety ramped up with each passing second. But she had to do this. She'd never be able to fogive herself if she didn't. She'd never be able to look at Destra or Helena again. But doing this, she might not be able to speak to them again afterward.

    Hella froze as she felt cold rainwater drip on to the back of her neck. She whirled around and could have sworn that she saw a shimmering tail feather disappear behind the stacks. Calm down, she told herself. They're not here.

    Pulling out her cracked cell phone again, she checked the time again. Helena wasn't late by a long shot. Hella was just early. Too early. Too anxious. What would she even say? How to start this awful conversation? I'm head over heels for my best friend who is, coincidentally, your boyfriend.

    No that was stupid and probably obvious anyway. Hella flinched a bit as someone set their books down a bit too hard. She felt naked and vulnerable without Skredder, but the school wouldn't let her keep it when she got her pass to come on campus.

    As she waited, Hella realized that for any of this to make sense Helena was going to have to know some of what happened to her. She was certain Destra hadn't said anything, so it'd be up to her. She shivered at the thought, pulling her coat tighter around herself.

    @EmiRose
     
  2. EmiRose
    EmiRose

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    #2 EmiRose, Dec 20, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2018
    Helena had to take hold of a lamppost, when she slipped for the umpteenth time. She glared at her feet, Helena had put on new winter shoes she had bought that had low heels but they were basically useless. They had zero friction and though Helena looked really good in them they were not practical in the least.
    Well, because she looked good in them was the reason Helena had worn them. She was meeting Hella, one of Destra's very good friends, and Helena just couldn't help but be a bit jealous of the girl, even if it made her feel petty and miserable. Hella was cute and close with Destra and seemed nice. At least Helena had gathered as much from when they had gone running together and from what Destra had told her. Helena knew that Destra and Hella had gone through a lot together, but Destra had never shared any details. Helena got that, it was Hella's business and for her to share. Rather she would've been angry at Destra if he had shared Hella's personal information

    Helena straightened with an annoyed huff and continued walking towards the library. As always she had her handbag with her magical and normal makeup kit, and her whole outfit looked as good as her shoes. Helena just wanted to give a good impression inside out for Hella, maybe to also not let the girl see the ugly jealousy she had.
    Helena sighed a bit and corrected her hair, she could already see the library on the street corner. Helena quickened her steps, only to almost slip and fall again, and walked rest of the way with normal speed. She wasn't exactly late after all, just on time actually.

    Helena climbed the steps and opened the library doors only to see Hella right there in the lobby, waiting for her. Helena adopted a smile on her face and walked over to the girl, waving.
    "Hi! Sorry if I kept you waiting for long. I-"
    Helena interrupted herself as she observed Hella, the girl seemed even more nervous than usual and Helena frowned slightly with concern.
    "Are you alright?"
     
  3. Kada
    Kada

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    Hella nearly jumped when Helena approached and greeted her. She fidgeted with her braid, thrown over her shoulder to keep it from being able to be pulled from behind and offered a smile. A small smile, because she knew that her 'natural' smile was hideous and she hated it.

    "You don't have to apologize..." she said somewhat louder than she intended to. She was trying to be polite, not just cut Helena off with a don't apologize to me. Helena didn't deserve her being cold to her.

    "It's good to see you," she admitted, casting her eyes downward. This was going to be harder than she thought. But Hella asked herself, would it be harder than her months in Ebonyridge? The answer was probably not. But then again...

    "I, um. I need to talk to you about something Helena." Just say it, she told herself. I betrayed you and Destra.

    "I messed up big time... and I'll understand if you don't want to hang out again after this. I just- can we go somewhere more private? I really don't think I can do this... out here. In the lobby I mean." There were study rooms, she recalled. But she would let Helena decide what she wanted to do.
     
  4. EmiRose
    EmiRose

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    #4 EmiRose, Dec 20, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2018
    Right after saying it Helena remembered Hella didn't like people apologizing or thanking her, and prepared for the snappy answer she had received before. But it didn't come. Instead Hella was polite about it, and Helena looked at her with slight surprise and new concern. Something really was wrong. That alone was clear from Hella's gestures, Helena was perceptive like that.

    "It's good to see you too. This snow sucks, can't go running at all."
    Helena said with a small careful smile and chuckled, trying not to act too cheery since something seemed to be wrong with Hella.

    Helena frowned in confusion when Hella explained she needed to talk to her, that she messed up. What could this be about? Was Hella in trouble? If she was wouldn't she talk to Destra or Lynn rather than Helena? They were friendly but not nearly as close as the three of them.
    "Yeah, of course. Let's go to one of the reading rooms, I'll hear you out there."
    Helena gestured towards where the rooms were and headed in that direction as Hella followed her. On the way she had time to conjure up few more scenarios of what this could be about.

    Helena found a free room and held the door open for Hella as they entered. Helena took off her jacket, under it she had a simple pink cashmere sweater, and hung it up. She sat down and smiled at Hella.
    "Okay, now tell me why you messed up big time and why I don't want to hang out with you again."
     
  5. Kada
    Kada

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    Once they were in the room, Hella's shoulders squared up. She couldn't relax, not really. What she had done was... well it wasn't the end of the world but she couldn't help but feel that she'd spread pitch on a bridge and was just waiting for a spark.

    "I-" she began, not sure where to actually start. "You can't be angry at Destra, alright? He didn't do anything wrong. It was me. All me. He was being a good friend. Comforting me. I-"

    Hella paused and took a breath. She was talking too fast, her knuckles were white with anxiety. Okay, she had to admit in some ways this was far worse than her ordeals in Ebonyridge.

    "I kissed him. I was emotional and he's helped me through so much and I am smitten with him but-" Hella stopped and rubbed at her eyes. She wasn't quite crying yet but she could feel it coming. Damn her tears. "-I'd never ask for..."

    She stopped herself. That wasn't true though was it? Hella had to admit to herself that she would in fact ask Destra to leave Helena for her. But she realized how terrible of a thought that was. Awful. Spiteful. Elf-like. It made her queasy thinking about how much like them she thought now. Even her first instinct to help her sisters was to murder the entire Court.

    Hella glanced up at Helena, her eyes slowly filling in with black as she waited to see how the other girl would respond.
     
  6. EmiRose
    EmiRose

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    #6 EmiRose, Dec 20, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2018
    Hella was so tense, and Helena tried to keep herself relaxed. She was able to stay composed when needed, although she often chose not to be, and now Helena felt like she had to stay composed. And that feeling was right, because Hella mentioned Destra and soon she wasn't the only tense one in the room. Helena became tense as well and looked at Hella, now very serious, the smile from moments ago nowhere to be seen. She observed the girl, and now the frown on her face wasn't just out of concern. But Helena didn't say anything, not before Hella got all she wanted out. But the words she used, that Destra had...comforted her, made Helena squeeze the hand she had in her lap in a fist. Helena's mind went into places she didn't want it to go into.

    Hella had kissed him.
    Hella had kissed Destra, had feelings for him.
    The first feeling Helena had was, in all honesty, relief. She had imagined so, so much worse, and she wanted to hit herself for thinking Destra would do that to her. Yes, kissing could very easily be one-sided. Kissing wasn't a big deal from Destra's part if Hella had done it all on her own, like she claimed.
    Still Helena decided to talk to Destra when he got back.

    Helena stared at Hella, giving her, and herself, a moment of silence. Partly to make sure Hella didn't have anything to add. Helena felt like comforting the girl, when she saw that Hella looked like she could cry. But despite feeling sorry for Hella Helena was still angry. Yes, she was jealous, and possessive, and she liked and cared about Destra very much. And their relationship wasn't even a month old, so it wasn't weird Helena felt uncertainty. She had been aware that there had been something between him and Hella, and that had made her feel so insecure. And it turned out there was a good reason for her worry.

    Helena took a breath and looked Hella straight into her black eyes. There was silent conviction and anger in hers.
    "I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't upset. But I understand why you'd be smitten with Destra, he's a great guy. And for you even more than for me, I bet."
    Helena sighed and leaned back in her chair, setting her hands on the table. The other one was still in a fist.
    "I appreciate you telling me, thank you. It would've been easy for you to stay silent, I can imagine it wasn't easy telling it to me in my face like this."
    Helena huffed a bit and smiled a bit, but her eyes weren't smiling.
    "Is this the part where I bitchslap you and tell you to keep your hands off my boyfriend? Though I doubt my slap would do you much damage."
     
  7. Kada
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    Hella's sense of dread seemed to worsen and then ease up and the worsen again as Helena responded to her. She gripped at the hem of her skirt, barely able to hold back her tears now. Helena was forgiving her too easily. "That'd probably make me feel better," she managed through a kind of half laugh. Why was she so torn up over it? Helena seemed fine overall. After all the kiss hadn't meant anything. At least not to Destra.

    "He's incredible. When everything was happening he... he was there for me when no one else was. He walked into a fate worse than death with me, along with Lynn. And if they hadn't been there I- well, I'd..." Hella stopped herself. Helena didn't need the sordid details. And beyond that, she didn't want to think about the obvious end of that sentence. She'd be as bad off as her sisters were now. Or worse, if that was possible. Mutilated, used, abused, dehumanized.

    "It would have been really bad," she finally managed. Noticing Helena's fist clenched into a fist, she smiled a little bit. It was a tight, sad expression to say the least. "I couldn't take him from you if I wanted to. Helena you... you're so much better than me. You have so much that I don't."
     
  8. EmiRose
    EmiRose

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    #8 EmiRose, Dec 20, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2018
    Helena wasn't forgiving Hella. Not exactly, not yet. She was merely accepting this, accepting what had happened, because it wasn't like she could do anything about it now. Hella had kissed Destra and Helena had to hear it from her, not him, which was truthfully a bit hurtful. Because as much as that could be a sign that the kiss meant nothing to Destra it could also mean everything. Helena was so scared, which option was the right one. She was scared, anxious, angry and jealous and was barely hiding these feeling under the false composed face.

    "Yeah, that sounds like him."
    Helena answered with a smile that held tenderness, that rose to her mind when she thought about Destra. He was an idiot sometimes, being so ridiculously loyal, but Helena wasn't one to talk because she had done some stupid things for friends as well. Not anything like he had done to Hella, naturally, and that was what made Helena feel even worse.

    "Better than you? I have so much what you don't?"
    Now Helena showed some of the anger inside her as she looked at Hella, and her other hand closed into a fist as well. She didn't raise her voice, she wouldn't yell at Hella, but her tone was enough to be as bad as yelling.
    "That's bullshit, excuse my language. If I can't apologize or thank you then you can't put yourself below or above me. Destra had feelings for you, you two have something I will probably never have with anyone, and that's driving me crazy. But it also means we're equal."

    Helena stood up, feeling too jittery to sit, and still looked at Hella.
    "You remember what I said about beauty once, and how it should be on the inside as well? Well, I'm feeling really ugly right now. I'm angry at you, I'm jealous and anxious and scared. I won't hit you, or yell at you, or call you names and tell you to stay away from Destra. Because you're his friend, and I'm not that kind of person. And I'm pretty sure you're not the kind of person to take him from me. But this doesn't mean I'm forgiving you, and if you do try to take Destra away, well...I'll do anything in my power to not let that happen."
    In that last line Helena let some of that possessiveness show, and she looked at Hella with steely eyes.
     
  9. Kada
    Kada

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    "You're jealous. That's normal, I think. And I guess jealousy is ugly, sure. But Helena, I'm so much uglier than you inside. And it leaks. My eyes. My fucking smile. My ears. My sca-" Hella stopped herself mid-sentence. Her scars. A number of people knew about the one on her right arm. Most didn't know about how messed up her feet were. She still had small pieces of glass in them.

    "I'm hideous," she told Helena. A thing she'd thought many many times throughout her life. First when she would look in the mirror and see a strapping young man looking back at her. Then again when her first boyfriend had so long refused to touch her intimately. Then again when the magic of Underhill was removed. Time and Time again, Hella found the thought invading her mind. She was hideous, and now it was internal. Her very soul was broken if that girl she had met was to be believed.

    "I'm not putting myself below you Helena. I'm being honest. I can't give Destra any of the things you can. Not a normal relationship. Not the comfort or support he really needs." Not children either, but Hella didn't say that. That was too much too fast with no guarantee that it was something Helena even wanted to talk about, let alone think about.
     
  10. EmiRose
    EmiRose

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    Helena knew too little of Hella to ignore what the girl said and without hesitation say that she was beautiful from the inside as well. Because there were so few people that were nothing but beautiful. At least Helena had never met a person like that. But...
    "You're not hideous."
    That along Helena could say with certainty.

    "If you really were hideous you'd just steal Destra away from me without hesitation, you wouldn't have told me about kissing him, you wouldn't appreciate and care for him as much as you do. You're scarred, you're broken, you're ugly. Nearly everyone is to some extent, me as well. But you're beautiful, and that leaks too. I can't change what you think about yourself, that's the result of all the bad things that happened to you and won't change from just my words. But I can at least say what I see, even if you can't believe me."

    Helena wasn't here to act as Hella's therapist, but she couldn't just leave the girl be and just be angry at her when Hella was so clearly not okay. That went against everything Helena believed. So she sighed a bit, her anger subsiding a bit.
    "If Destra truly wanted you he wouldn't care what you could give him. And neither does anyone else who truly cares about you. Only ugly people approach others thinking what they could gain from them."
    Helena walked away from the table and closer to Hella, holding a pack of napkins in case the girl needed them.
    "You know, I don't hate you, Hella. I've been in this position, and your position, and Destra's position before. I just...wish you happiness. Because you deserve it."
     


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