Shay shrugged and reclined as best she could in her chair. "Attractive," she settled on instead. "And I meant inside, for the record, but outside too, if we really want to bring that into the equation."
It was always easier to deal with people you didn't know as well. Less investment about them hating you or judging you. Shay didn't have a perfect answer for Hella, but Shay wasn't sure there was such a thing as a perfect answer.
"I just like people, and I got a good intuition about the bad ones and the good ones. I don't have to be your best friend not to want to see you bleeding out on the ground, Hella."
She thought about it. "We're both pretty alone here, it seems. We're both "patients," so I don't think either of us has much a room to judge the other and being fair, I don't think either of us knows the other well enough to care if we're being judged."
She splayed her hands out some and smiled tightly. "So, vent to me."
Hella turned and stared at Shay. She was the one that had found her? Something in Hella's stomach turned. Part of her hated Shay. Wanted her to mind her own business. But another part wanted to hug her. Kiss her for saving her life. Even though she didn't want it right now.
And this woman, who she had so many strange, mixed feelings tilumbling inside her for, was asking her to open up. Hella was weak. She liked connecting to people on a deep, emotional level. So she did.
"My family is very old world. Being trans didn't sit well with my father. I wasn't as good at necromancy as my brothers, and so I caught even more of his ire. I made a deal with the Elves of Ebonyridge, that's in Underhill, to be better than them. I just wanted him to praise me for once. But the Queene offered..."
Somehow, talking to this near complete stranger was easier than talking to Virgil or even Jamie or Lyssa about these things. It all came spilling out. Even the stuff about how she murdered the elf who had offended the Queene, though she barely whispered this. Afraid someone else might hear.
"...I don't even know. I feel so alone. I don't even have my stuffies... I think the cops are going to keep them. Or put them down. Or something. I have nothing. I don't deserve anything."
Shay was a good listener. She didn't interrupt unless she needed to clear up a misconception and nodded empathetically at what Hella was saying. It was a lot of shit. Shay understood, even if her problems weren't the same.
They'd both ended up here.
"I'm sorry to hear that Hella," Shay said. "I'm here for lying to the police, but it's the same. What I did. I don't much feel like I deserve the things I get either. I know everyone is going to be pissed at me when I get out and that scares the shit out of me.
"I fucked up real bad, and I don't think the people I love are ever going to look at me the same way again."
Shay didn't have many more tears to shed. She just felt cold and numb all over. Shay turned her chair, so she was somewhat leaning against the bed.
"Here's the good thing for you, you didn't have a choice in the matter. The people who love you will forgive you. Your life doesn't end here. You find a different way to get the body you want; you'll have the emotional support you need and deserve."
Hella winced at the apology that Shay offered, but said nothing. "I had a choice though. I made my choice two years ago when I traded myself body and soul to be cute. Da always said, never trust the Fae. But I did it anyway."
Hella rubbed at the bandage on her right arm, scowling a bit at the pain. Why had she used a piece of plastic? She could have tied her shirt sleeve over a doorframe and-
"I'm not worried about people not forgiving me. I've already been disowned once. I just... I know how you feel though." She laughed bitterly, "I probably lost the best paying job I ever had the chance of getting."
Shay leveled her gaze on Hella. "Stupidity isn't the same crime as murder. You couldn't have known." She reached over and held her hand out in a silent plea for Hella not to mess with her bandages.
"My adopted father says if you mess with wounds the scar just gets worse. Or something. He's an expert on scars; they're all over his face."
Then Shay gave Hella her space. She sighed, rubbed her jawline a bit and decided to share as much as Hella had. A little give and take made people feel better.
"Sometimes, uh, well, actually a lot of the time, I blame myself for being so fucking stupid. See, here's a good example. I got an out from a bad life, and then I wound up here all on my own. I knew about this bad guy, but I still didn't say anything, and it got me..." She trailed off and sighed, rubbed her face.
"Stupidity is its own crime." She smiled tersely at Hella.
"If it makes you feel any better I might be losing my fiancee. We can both be miserable together, because you just know I'm going to be that asshole who makes sure you take care of yourself in here."
"Well I'm guilty then," Hella replied quietly. "I don't care if it scars. Maybe it'll remind me not to make stupid mistakes. Stupid deals."
Regardless, Hella relented and began tugging at her hair instead, curling a lock of it around her finger. She watched Shay sleepily, her pain meds taking a bit of effect, but not enough to actually put her to sleep.
She finally spoke. "I- I didn't really want to die. I mean, I'd rather be dead than look like this, but..." she gestured vaguely with her bandages hand, trying to make her meaning known without words. Her breaths hitched, as she was on the verge of crying again.
"I just don't want them to see me like this... all Jamie and Virgil have ever seen me as is- is how I was... soft and pretty and feminine." She paused, thinking.
"I'm glad you're here though. A familiar face, even one I barely know, is nice. When I don't recognize my own. Thank you. I hope that doesn't sound bad."
"You're still you on the inside," Shay said. "True friends will see that, be damned what you look like on the outside. If they can't handle a few days without you looking your tip-top, fuck 'em."
Shay wasn't sure if she was supposed to offer physical comfort as Hella began to tear up again. Hella didn't seem to want to be touched, and Shay wouldn't dare impose on that.
Instead, she took on of the tissues and offered it to the other girl, along with the glass of water she'd gotten earlier. "You're going to want to stay hydrated," she grinned a little, trying to be reassuring.
"Nah. I know what you mean. It's nice to know I got someone to talk to in here. Probably the only thing stopping me from trying what you did is the idea that I'd just come back. Or be stuck in the middle."