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Event Open Dying inside, Just to breathe in

Discussion in 'Starlight Observation Station' started by Boop, Jul 24, 2017.

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  1. Boop
    Boop

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    Waking up was the hardest part. His own memories driving into him, Maria angry in his skull. He felt his lightness, the lack of pain. He could stand up and walk and it was no longer a struggle. Most would've been relieved. He felt - so hollow. He had forgotten what it was like to laugh, to have friendships, to feel fully and never wonder if what he was feeling came from himself or the demon.

    It was like dying all over again.

    William could feel the demon in his head clawing at his mind, tipping him into sorrow for what he had just lost. He felt as if he had forgotten how to use his masks momentarily. Like everyone could read his face. But even this was not the worst part. He could deal with the ripping away of half his emotions. The memories haunted him, but they were dim. He could no longer relate to why he had grinned at that joke or been pleased to see a friendly face. He was aware of his loss, acutely aware, but he would adapt to it. And he did not constantly feel happiness even when he could.

    The worst part was the way his hands itched, the cravings so strong they were nearly physical. This hunger to rip the life out of someone. The need to be constantly resisting, fighting himself. The knowledge that while he was not exactly dangerous because he could be so easily overpowered, all he wanted to do was drain them. It grieved him deeply, even though he lacked the capacity for genuine caring - he could still feel regret.

    He wanted to go back. He wanted to forget that he had been human again. He wanted to remember laughing, even if he couldn't feel joy anymore. He didn't know what he wanted but - he had to get out of this room.

    He tried to talk - to give explanations to those that needed them, but the crowd was agitating. He left, finding a corner where he could just think. He needed to talk - to someone, anyone. He wished he could cry. He wished he could keep up his mask and not be breaking like this. But - he couldn't. The wraith leaned against a wall. He couldn't handle the crowd, but maybe he could handle a one-on-one conversation. He was fairly certain he was not the only one who would wish to vent about this situation.
     
  2. Ballerina
    Ballerina

    Masochistic Magical Girl
    Ranger

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    Life in Haven was hard, but waking up as Juniper Vincent was even harder. The three days passed too quickly, there was still so much left to do. Friendships, a steady job, a reason to keep on going, fighting for what he believed in, it was new again to him. He wanted to hold onto it all so badly, especially since the chances of him getting to experience a simple, happy life are slimmer than ever. After what he had became over the course of a decade, he didn't think he even deserved anything remotely close to the life he had there.

    Being his old, stereotypical ginger self again was a surreal experience by itself. He was able to be sincere again, no one speculated whether his actions were just for publicity, nor did he need to worry about anyone getting the wrong idea. There was no pressure to look perfect or be charismatic every waking moment, for once he could be/look a little awkward and no one would bat an eye. With everyone focused on surviving, there was no room for gossip. It was a strange release from the cooped up, stressful world he was in.

    Here he was, 'flawless' as ever, looking back fondly on his old self. His foundation was caked back on to cover the freckles, hair dyed a vivid scarlet, and emerald contacts in. He was unrecognizable. Long, drawn out breaths and swaying hips, an aura of confidence that would make J.V. gawk at himself. They were two different people, perhaps Juniper could revisit his old self one day in the far future, but for the time being it was back to being artificial.

    If his soft spot for his younger self was the only reason why he missed his time at Haven, he would have had a much easier time adjusting to life in Manta Carlos... again. Klef was pulling at his heartstrings, she was a sibling rather than a daughter to him. While he could do everything in he could to be the best parental figure, it was never enough, which was probably why she ran away. As hard as he tried, no matter how many books he read, he could never be her actual father. Being a brother was simple, he could treat her as if they were on the same level and not worry about being caught doing anything too stupid.

    Even their better relationship couldn't tug him as hard as the eery similarity between Kel and someone who he hadn't seen in over a decade. Kel was like having his sister back, it stung harder than anything he had felt before to think about it after the VR event.

    He had to find someone to have a conversation to shift his focus before he could think too hard about what had just happened. Though he got a few funny looks, no one went out of their way to talk to the star, probably because they couldn't recognize him either. He scanned the room, looking for a familiar face, someone with the same nature as their VR counterpart, but to no avail. There was someone who looked like Will, yet something about them seemed so dead. He assumed his friend was a human as well, but of course, this was Manta Carlos.

    " You look familiar." He commented with a smirk. " But it's not William... right?"
     
  3. Boop
    Boop

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    William questioned why he had thought leaning against the wall and waiting to talk to someone would be a good idea with each person that passed by. He felt vulnerable and tense as the memories of what had happened to him right before he had attempted the VR came back. He was so short here, weak, in a way more fragile than he had been as the crippled doctor. Even though he was practically invulnerable here, immortal as long as Maria stayed, he was aware how weak that was when people could just pick him up and carry him wherever they chose and hurt him in ways that the VR had not.


    And each person made his cravings scream, the sudden return to addiction after what almost seemed like a lifetime without it, setting him back years of control. Not to mention the fact that the demon in his head was forcing him to cycle wildly between fear and anger, straining his usual mask to the limit. After being in control of his own emotions even for so brief a time, his resistance to her manipulations was damaged. And how long had it been since he had fed? Long enough that he knew he was starting to fade, but at least not so long that his gloves were in danger of falling off.


    He wanted to speak. To reach out to someone. But he flinched whenever anyone looked his way. And even if someone did approach him - what would he say? He still had a mask to maintain, and it was even more imperative that he kept it up here than it had been there. It was almost like living in a world of enemies - and he was unable to make friends.

    And then someone did approach him. A man who was glamorous and flirty and bright and made-up - deeply unsettling to the wraith for reasons he couldn't quite put his finger on, but were probably related to his own insecurities. At least the flamboyant man was not much taller than he himself was and didn't resemble a certain frightening man. He almost recognized the other man's face, but he couldn't quite tell. He was fairly certain that the man must resemble his VR counterpart to a closer degree than some others at least physically. And when he spoke -

    "JV?" It struck him suddenly that this man had been a friend to him, and it hurt him to the core that he could no longer have that. A burst of grief threatened to overwhelm him - he might have shed tears if his dead body could produce them. As it was his eyes widened momentarily before the emotion was stamped out and he snapped a neutral expression back on his face. At least he knew the feeling had been his own.

    He answered, coldly polite though it was killing him a little to do so. He wasn't sure if he could bring himself to open up to this man who was a bitter reminder of just what it was he had lost. "It... is William actually. Dr. William Brown. I am actually a doctor... But I generally do not give my first name to strangers." He was going to leave it at that but... He felt he owed the man something. "Apologies. I am aware we were... friends -" he choked a bit on that, coughing to cover it up. The coughing sounded odd as if it was something his body was unfamiliar with. "But this is the real world now, is it not?"
     
  4. Ballerina
    Ballerina

    Masochistic Magical Girl
    Ranger

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    Despite the deeply unsettling feeling in his gut, the protocol grin was still intact. Though Juniper couldn't put his finger on it, there was something about this man that rubbed him the wrong way. This was not the William he was allegedly friends with, he lacked the limp and smile that Juniper had grown so accustomed to as JV. Of course, there had to be a logical explanation behind this. Surely the William he met in the VR existed somewhere within this man, even if he was looking a little more than just sleep deprived.

    Juniper's carelessly charismatic facade hid his frustration with William's lukewarm response, " oh, talk about a lucky guess," he said, stammering out a chuckle, even though it was most definitely was not a guess, if anything it was a frivolous excuse to grasp onto one of the few true friendships he has ever had. The way William spoke to him so rigidly made his stomach knot up, it was as if he didn't want to be friends anymore. For the first time in years, Juniper got rejected.

    He didn't want to be this hung up over a fictional friendship in the first place, but William brought up a good point, it was just a VR. " Y-you are most definitely right' Juniper faltered, for a brief moment, he was more human then ever. " Two different places, there is no reason to be surprised that things might be different here... I'm different too," he added defensively, " to think I could act that idiotic over the course of three days quite embarrassing, I greatly sorry about your poor tastes in acquaintances."

    " Pardon me, but I'm going to take another wild guess," Juniper said readjusting his tie, " something is telling me that you didn't go into that reality to make a fool of yourself like me did you?" His eyes met Williams, " so what brought you here in the first place?"
     


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